I have this thought floating in what I lovingly refer to as the abyss of my mind that I cannot seem to escape. Jobs like social work, teaching, nursing, and other jobs that carry the label of a helping profession attract different kinds of people. On one side of the helping profession are those who want to help others find ways to make their lives better, and on the other side are those who want to control others. While I would love to take credit for this idea, I cannot. I came across this idea as I mindlessly scrolled through TikTok one day.

At first, I scoffed at the idea. I know I didn’t enter social work to control others. But I am one of thousands of people in a helping profession. I also like to see the best in everyone, and being a social worker, teacher, nurse, etc, is a tough job. I want to think this is true because my bachelor’s is in history education, and my master’s is in social work, tells me so. I have also been working with children since I graduated from my undergraduate program, with amazing teachers and other professionals who make this type of job seem so effortless.

I have a rule for myself. It is a rule that I learned during my undergraduate years, and that is to look things up. During my four years of undergrad, my history professors would tell me to look things up rather than give me an answer. Being able to research and support your thoughts is a fundamental skill for anyone who studies history. It also allowed me to search for reasons as to why I would scoff at the idea of the helping professions attracting those who want to control others.

As I pondered the idea of these professions attracting people who like to control others, I could see the point these creators were making. Juvenile justice, residential, and other similar jobs involving youth attract people who want to control others. Under the guise of helping, these types of workers often believe that their way is the only way to make effective change. This type of worker believes that they hold all of the answers to a youth’s problems and that the youth has to listen to them because change only comes through compliance. They lean on their title as a worker, therapist, or case worker and create barriers that were never there to begin with.

Here’s the thing I have learned about trying to control children and youth. It rarely works. Especially with the youth I have worked with.

In a world where ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), intermittent explosive disorder, and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) run rampant, I have seen how trying to exert control has little to no positive effect. The workers who are controlling see these types of children as challenges, and breaking the independence of that youth is the ultimate goal. Not only do those who are diagnosed with the above-mentioned disorders suffer, but those who are neurodivergent suffer as well. Autistic youth and individuals with ADHD must be forced into the same boxes as those around them, even though those boxes are what is causing the behaviors. Under the guise of rules and ‘because I said so,’ controllers try to force things onto youth rather than listen to what the youth actually needs.

Don’t get me wrong. Rules and boundaries are essential. Rules and boundaries can create safety and help all youth understand expectations and what is happening, but rules can cause issues, too. When rules are set up to force unrealistic behaviors and goals, we are creating a perfect storm to cause escalation in the future. I am also a firm believer that all enforced rules should have a reason beyond ‘because I said so,’ and as adults, we should be able to justify those rules to all children and youth. We should also allow children and youth to question rules as necessary. When adults try to control things and not change rules to meet their youth’s needs, the adult is taking away the chance for youth to grow and learn to self-advocate, and that communication is not worth it.

Control and demands place unnecessary stress on children and youth and can trigger their fight-or-flight response, and the situation escalates further. The situation is made worse by adults who see the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response as a challenge to their authority. Those children who are prone to fight might become aggressive, children prone to flight try to leave the situation, and freezers often shut down and become unresponsive. All of this is seen as non-compliance rather than a natural response to stress. Thus starts the escalation phase, for which the child will ultimately be blamed.

Well, those who are controllers are likely to blame the entire situation on the child rather than using self-reflection or supervision to improve their response.

Being in the helping professions shouldn’t be about exerting some pseudo power or control over a child or youth who depends on you. It is about building trusting relationships that allow the youth to find their power and control over their own lives. As helpers, we are supposed to come alongside the youth in our care and help them develop ways of handling their own lives and stresses. Having the ability to drop expectations, rules, and control over certain situations is a key skill to have. It allows for children and youth to be heard and feel safe while learning about self-advocacy.

There is a fine line that separates rules and healthy boundaries from being a controller. Self-reflection, supervision, educating yourself, and having a support system help with this. In the helping professions, we are giving out the tools that they need to our children and youth, not the tools we think they need. Helpers do just that; they help. Sometimes, it’s lowering expectations or breaking things down. Sometimes, it’s allowing children to express their emotions safely and helping them learn new skills. Sometimes, being the helper means you take the lead, and other times, it’s allowing the youth to take the lead.