Three Books that can help you on this Journey
In the work that we do at the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint, we are often focused on trying to inform changes in how children are supported in schools. We advocate for approaches that follow five critical principles: trauma-informed, neuroscience-aligned, neurodiversity-affirming, relationship-driven, and collaborative.
We are huge proponents of the importance of understanding behavior through the lens of the brain and nervous system. We even collaborated with the Crisis Prevention Institute to bring a new training program called Reframing Behavior to schools, which is all about bringing the neuroscience of behavior to schools across North America. We believe it is critical to move away from behaviorally focused approaches in schools that are failing our children.
What about in the home? How can we apply the five principles to parenting? How can we move away from rewards and punishment to a brain and nervous system aligned approach to parenting? Well, I am glad you asked because there is a need to shift away from traditional parenting approaches that are failing our children. There is a need and an opportunity for parenting to be informed by neuroscience.
We can do better. Today, I want to share with you three books that I think can help us to see our children differently. When we see our children differently, we have an opportunity to respond and support them differently. Here are three of my favorite parenting books.
Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work
Written by Robyn Gobbel
This book is one of my first recommendations for parents and caregivers on a journey to understand and better support their children whose behaviors are big and baffling. If you are raising a neurodivergent child or a child who has experienced trauma, you should know that they are far more likely to be misunderstood in the name of their behavior. The truth is that many children are misunderstood in the name of their behavior, and children who are misunderstood are more likely to face punitive and exclusionary discipline. The discipline itself can result in trauma and often leads to an increase, not a decrease, in big, baffling behavior.
How do we get off the hamster wheel of big behavior and punitive discipline? We do it with a new understanding of behavior. A neuroscience-informed understanding of behavior. That is what Robyn Gobbel does so beautifully in this book, Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors. In the book, Robyn brings neuroscience to parents in a way that is easy to digest and easily applicable. Robyn not only helps you understand the human brain and nervous system but provides brain and body-aligned strategies to help you overcome many challenges you might be facing as a parent or caregiver.
Robyn also focuses on something that is quite critical for any parent or caregiver who is trying to understand and respond to their child’s big baffling behaviors: the knowledge to better understand your own brain and nervous system. When we understand our own behavior and nervous system state, we are better able to support our children.
Get ready to meet your owl, watchdog, and possum brains, and prepare to learn that “All behavior makes sense.”
Buy the Book: https://amzn.to/45NjQVN
Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids
Written by Dr. Mona Delahooke
Dr. Mona Delahooke is one of my favorite humans on the planet. I’ve had the privilege of knowing Mona for several years, and you will not find a more caring and thoughtful person. I have long been a fan of Mona’s work and her amazing book, Beyond Behaviors. In Beyond Behaviors, Dr. Mona Delahooke describes behaviors as the tip of the iceberg and makes the important point that we must look beneath the behaviors. We must understand behavior through the lens of the brain and nervous system and be informed by individual differences and experiences. Mona focuses on critical concepts like co-regulation and relational safety and provides a structure to see and respond to behavior differently. Beyond Behaviors lays the foundation for a critical paradigm shift. I have recommended the book to countless parents, caregivers, educators, and others. The book is transformative. If you’ve not read it, add it to your reading list.
Mona started us looking beyond behaviors, but she wasn’t done. Next, she wrote and published Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids. This book was written for parents and caregivers on the journey of raising children. This is the book I recommend to all expectant parents. This is the book I wish I had before I became a parent for the first time. Brain-Body Parenting takes you on a journey of understanding and raising children from birth into young adulthood. The book takes a deep dive into understanding the development of the brain and the nervous system. Dr. Delahooke builds the foundation for this book by helping parents and caregivers understand the biology beneath behavior. She builds our understanding of “top-down” and “bottom-up” approaches to understanding the brain and nervous system and connects it to how feelings and behaviors develop. It is a new understanding of behavior based on neuroscience.
A new understanding of behavior sets the stage for Brain-Body Parenting to dive into strategies and tools to guide parents and caregivers in the steps to raise joyful and resilient children. Mona focuses on helping parents and caregivers discover tools to help their children develop self-regulation skills, including the essential strategy of co-regulation. Before children can learn to self-regulate, they rely on the presence of an attuned and regulated adult. The book can help parents and caregivers shift from focusing on compliance to supporting connection and compassion.
If you’ve ever wondered if there is a better way to raise children, the answer is yes, and Brain-Body Parenting is that answer.
Buy the Book: https://amzn.to/3zsah2A
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Written by Alfie Kohn
I’ve long been a fan of Alfie Kohn’s writing and work. His book, Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes, informed many of my ideas and thoughts related to reward and consequence models used in schools and homes. In Punished By Rewards, Kohn makes the case that rewards and punishment are two sides of the same coin; they are both forms of manipulating behavior. As Kohn says, whether you say to someone, “Do this or this will be done to you,” or “Do this, and you’ll get that,” the impact is the same.
In Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, Kohn focuses on helping parents move away from reward and punishment approaches. Kohn’s work focuses on shifting from doing things to children to working with children to better understand and meet their needs. His work is about collaboration and support. Kohn helps parents to make the important shift; it is not just about making someone do something you want them to do. Parenting should not be about compliance and control; rather, it should aim to foster the growth and development of a human being. In the book, Kohn provides many ideas about working with children rather than doing things to them.
While this book’s focus is a little different than the other two on this list, it provides a critical part of the necessary shift. We need to collaborate with children, not just impose our will upon them. At its heart, this book makes the case that parenting is all about love, connection, and safety. The book encourages parents to question their assumptions about raising kids. Just because it is how you were raised doesn’t mean it is the best you can do.
If you are ready to move beyond compliance and control to an approach based on connection and compassion, this book is a terrific resource.
Buy the Book: https://amzn.to/3VOcQDg
There are many other amazing books! What are your favorites?
