This story was inspired by, as is often the case these days, a post I read online.
In our Alliance Against Seclusion & Restraint Volunteer Social Media group, Amy Kriewaldt posted a question: “What are your top three favorite ways to spend your downtime?”
I responded: 1. Tending to my plants, 2. Painting (a new hobby I started this past year), 3. Taking a nap.
I checked back on the post. Honestly, it was the most action our group has seen in a while. There were so many joking responses, such as “What downtime?”
It got me thinking about how my relationship with rest and hobbies has changed.
We are a society of “earners.” The transactional systems many of us have been raised on that focus on earning prizes, tickets, and rewards do not have the expected effect. It does not create intrinsic motivation. I could quote Alfie Kohn from his book “Punished by Rewards” here. But what I am seeing is that these rewards are creating a feeling of unworthiness. These conditional relationships extend to our feelings about ourselves. We are feeling unworthy of doing anything that feels good unless we have earned it.
For the longest time, I felt like I had to earn time to do what I wanted, like take a nap or paint. I’ve tried to dangle the promise of these to motivate myself to clean the bathroom. Did I mention I have two young boys? Cleaning the bathroom is no easy task.
As I have worked to reframe how my children are viewed by their schools and by their family, I have also begun to apply that reframing to myself.
How many times in an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) Meeting have I advocated that my child should not have to earn a break? He needs the break in order to be regulated enough to learn. This is an accommodation in his school IEP plan. There are many adults who try to use breaks in the opposite order. If he completes his math worksheet, then he can take a break.
The problem with this is that it’s not supported by the neuroscience. When my child is dysregulated, his prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that houses executive functioning skills, problem-solving, and language, is offline. He is functioning in the lower regions of the brain, the limbic system, and even the brain stem. Asking him to do a math worksheet when he cannot access his prefrontal cortex is like asking me to run a mile right now.
It’s not going to happen.
And no amount of stickers or prize box items will get him to do the task because he can’t do it. It’s not a choice.
When he shows signs of dysregulation and is given access to a break, or even better, co-regulation with a trusted adult, his prefrontal cortex can come back online, allowing him to access the area of the brain that he needs to complete the task.
I have started using this model to reframe the cringe-worthy phrase “self-care.” Why do I hate this term so much? Maybe it’s the oversimplification. Just care for yourself! Take a bubble bath, and you’ll feel better. Maybe it’s how the responsibility of being cared for is placed back on us.
This week, I tried something different. I have been feeling stuck and unable to start a task, like cleaning the bathroom.
I noticed myself staying up way too late (a sign that I haven’t been getting enough time for myself during the day). Reclaiming time after the boys were asleep has led to groggy mornings, low-energy days, and melting into the void that is social media.
As the summer days have ticked away, I have been feeling paralyzed by my to-do list. As a teacher, I have always felt pressured to be productive during the summer. That means scheduling every single doctor’s appointment I can and finally doing the bigger projects at home that I put off when exhausted during the school year.
My paints have been staring back at me. I wanted to paint, but I couldn’t seem to get started on that either.
I realized I felt like I hadn’t earned the right to do them.
I mean, when was the last time I cleaned that bathroom? How could I just sit down and paint?
I caught myself.
Wait, what if, like I have been advocating for my children, I did something that would make me feel good and help me regulate myself before I cleaned? Maybe that would help me, like an accommodation for me!
Cue the nagging thoughts.
What if I just started painting, and couldn’t stop, and never did another productive thing for the rest of the summer? What would become of the bathroom??
Something in me was able to put those nagging thoughts aside and get out my paints.
As the kids were mercifully engrossed in a new video game (yes, we are a pro-screen house), I got out my paints. And I created. I tried new techniques; some turned out well, and some didn’t (I’m looking at you, a $20 resist pen that clogged within thirty seconds of using it).
My brain felt less busy. I felt a little lighter. I hung up my artwork on my corkboard, and the next day, every time I caught a glimpse, I felt proud—my own little dopamine kick.
The next day, I cleaned the bathroom — like the entire bathroom (even the shower)!
This was better than “self-care”; it was a “personal accommodation.” I needed to do something for myself before I could do a task for our household.
One of the biggest arguments I hear in meetings when I talk about “regulation before education” (that my son needs breaks to regulate in order to learn and complete his work) is, “What if he doesn’t do any work? He can’t just have breaks all day!”
Now, I can share my first-hand experience that, yes, being regulated does help us access the skills we need to do our work.
And yes, there may be days when he needs a break from learning. As I give myself grace, I have to extend that to my children. (Ever notice how we expect more from them than adults?)
I am not productive every day. Some days, my body and brain need rest. Some days, I need to focus on activities that will help me regulate so I can clean the bathroom tomorrow.
