I’m a mom to a wonderful 7-year-old boy. He is sweet, funny, fashionable, and helpful. Unfortunately, he has been the victim of many forms of trauma. While in preschool, at age 3, his preschool teacher terrorized him and violated him by abusing him in multiple ways. She was verbally, physically, and sexually abusive. She put him in cubbies for hours on end, she denied him bathroom access, she denied him food and water, she denied him access to peers, and so many other things.
My sweet boy has lasting mental health issues, such as complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, and depression. Additionally, he has ADHD. He has struggled with extreme school avoidance and is very cautious of people in positions of power, for good reasons. With the support of community care, some chosen family, and an amazing college-aged nanny, we were able to show my son that not everyone in the world is a predator.
Then I did what any excited but cautious parent would do. I researched all the local schools. I signed up for the so-called cool, forward-thinking, inclusive charter school linked to the local university. After a year and a half, my son was able to attend school for the first time this school year, 2024/2025.
I watched my son use all his skills and a great amount of resiliency to make it to school every day, even when he did not want to, and even after sleepless nights and great bouts of anxiety. I struggled as a mother to watch him go, wondering if I was pushing him too much or wondering if this was part of his growing process. I continued to monitor for any sign of nervous system burnout, any sign that “I don’t want to go to school today” was turning into “I can’t go to school today.”
In the early Spring, I started to see signs of nervous system burnout. For my son, this looks like exhaustion on the weekends, needing to stay at home rather than doing preferred activities so that his nervous system can reset. He started to have more negative self-talk, which eventually led to self-injurious talk and behaviors. I remind you again that he is 7 years old.
It is heartbreaking to hear your 7-year-old ask you to give him a gun or knife so that he can harm himself because he feels dumb, stupid, gay, doesn’t have friends, no one likes him, or that he is bad.
My son is doing well academically, yet he doesn’t feel smart. Unfortunately, he does not have friends, but rather acquaintances and a couple of bullies. Bullies are not being stopped at his school. Toxic masculinity is still acceptable, if not preferred, in his very traditional, not actually forward-thinking school. He feels like “a bad kid” due to the treatment from past and present teachers and school staff members. My son has frequently been punished for behavior related to his mental health. This Spring, my son suddenly received several restraints and seclusions for behaviors related to his mental health issues or for issues related to being hit or provoked by a bully.
The most recent restraint occurred while on a field trip. My son was having an anxiety attack related to his aide leaving and his crush telling him that she did not want to be his friend that day. Restraints were placed on him, and his safe people were not around. Instead of the special education director and preferred people trying to co-regulate with my son, the special education director called 911, citing an “out-of-control child.” When the sheriff arrived, he put my son face down on the ground. Again, my son is 7 years old. My son is African American and neurodivergent with complex mental health needs. When I was able to reach my son, he was completely dissociated. For the next several days, he went into shutdown and a full PTSD reaction. It took him 6 days before he was able to speak to me about the field trip.
The school suspended my son for 3 days because of his “inappropriate” behavior on the field trip. They sent out a sensationalized letter to the entire first-grade class informing them of the scary scene that their children had witnessed on the field trip because another student had problems and escalated. The school called certain parents because their children were so scared. No one called to debrief me or talk to me about how scared my son was after being placed face down on the ground by the sheriff. I could not talk to anyone before this letter went out. I was not talked to by the school until the next day, when I was told to pick my son up because he was not allowed to go to class and was suspended.
No one called to see if I was ok or scared as the mother of a black male with mental health needs and a disability living in 2025.
I have not sent my son back to school as I fear for his safety at school. As all these seclusions, restraints, and law enforcement incidents unfolded, the school IEP team took it upon themselves to add a line to his BIP, which was in progress, stating, “If the student does not calm down within 30 minutes, call police.” Nowhere does it mention imminent harm to life or possession of a weapon. I used to worry about my son being potentially harmed in the community if he had a mental health situation. Now I must worry about him being harmed by the police while at school. Devastating.
The morning I picked my son up for his suspension, the school principal, dean, family liaison, and his teacher sat me down for a quick meeting. In this meeting, they casually informed me that this was my fault. I should have come on the field trip, I should have kept him home, and I was warned that police were an option. Gaslight. Gaslight. Gaslight. I asked if all the parents understood that police were an option for their children, or if it was just mine. They told me the other parents “got it” and did not send their IEP kids, aka special needs kids, on the field trip. That is discrimination. It is the denial of resources and/or equal access to education. I did mention that I had been informed several times that the school was very competent in handling all children in all settings. This stumped them.
This morning, I received a copy of the sheriff’s incident report along with the original 911 call placed by the special education director. I requested it because I wanted to know what was said and how the call was framed – “an out-of-control child.” I will never unhear the audio file. I heard my son saying that he wanted to get on the bus, I heard him saying that he wanted to go to school, and I heard him ask for me. Any person who is using language in that manner is NOT out of control. They are still in their prefrontal cortex, they are accessing language, and they are using executive functioning.
I do believe that my son bit the woman who was restraining him absolutely because he has been a victim of sexual and physical abuse and does not want someone to further violate his body! Instead of co-regulating with him, validating that he was having an anxiety attack or even a rough day, the adults in charge called the police and allowed someone else to violate and scare him again. I am scared for my son and for so many like him. I do not know how to protect my son and educate him, and that is one of the worst feelings in the world.
