Locked in the safe room

Today’s guest author has asked to remain anonymous. The author shared that they were hospitalized 13 times as a child and misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. Recently the author was diagnosed as Autistic. As an adult they are working to heal from a traumatic childhood.

I came across your page from within an adult autism page and I cannot believe I had hidden and suppressed memories that I never thought of until seeing your posts. I was and still am traumatized from everything that happened to me! 

I was hospitalized 13 times during my childhood. It has to be well over 500 times I was restrained, but I honestly could not tell you it was that much and that bad. Once I was stripped down naked and given a paper top by male staff while an inpatient and then locked in one of the non-padded safe rooms for 5 days. They refused to give me a blanket or pillow. I literally had nothing. The walls and floor were concrete and I was puny and shivering like crazy as the building was 65 degrees. I couldn’t curl into a fetal position well enough to stay warm. I was punched by some kid in the face before this happened and instead of me getting help she told them I punched her in the face and they screamed liar to my face as I pleaded for help. Mind you this place was a religious hospital. 

In another facility, I was kicked in the face so hard for trying to escape past the nurse blocking me in a non-padded room that my entire body was flung back and I was unconscious for some time. The camera couldn’t see that angle so I again was the liar. 

In my last hospitalization, it was a state facility that only took kids on probation or in foster care. I had been awarded to the state because my mother and father were both in the hospital when a hospital tried to discharge me so they claimed abandonment and I was at this hell hole with violent people for 11 months. Upon arrival, my CPS worker told me to call her if I needed help. I asked to do so and they refused and said it wasn’t allowed for the first 3 weeks.

I began having a panic attack and asked again and the next thing you know I was body-slammed to the floor because I wouldn’t “calm down”.

I only remember parts due to the fact I stopped breathing and they refused to tell anyone what happened and never reported the restraint. Others told me they had to resuscitate me though. Before this happened I had one guy on each of my legs and arms and then another two guys holding my neck and head face down in the carpet causing carpet burns. The other guy knees directly into my thoracic spine and holding my pelvis as well.

I was in total panic, having an asthma attack, literally could not breathe screaming such to them to please stop and let me go that I couldn’t breathe.

Me saying those words took all the energy I had and it came out in deep breaths like struggling for air as if I was drowning. They kept saying “nah you’re fine… you’re replying to us” and I remember taking one breathe then nothing in which I assume is when I stopped breathing. 

Sorry for this long message and sharing some scary events in my life but I truly have never spoken about these events other than to my parents and CPS workers and I never got justice for any of it. I am just not realizing the trauma I have been forcing myself to forget and have never even told this to my doctors. It makes so much sense with how bad I have been struggling and never healed from this trauma. 


  • Guest Blogger

    This post was written by a guest blogger for the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint. Views and opinions expressed by guest bloggers do not represent the views and opinions of AASR.

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