I don’t remember what I was so frustrated about or the words that I was saying. I only remember being frustrated and that my voice, while not yelling, clearly showed my frustration.

Sometimes the most powerful lessons don’t come from a book or a training–they come from our kids.

My child disarmed me with one short gestalt. One she had picked up years ago when I apologized to both her and her cat for yelling at her cat and scaring them both.

“Mommy’s sorry for yelling,” she recited.

I recognized that she was feeling unsafe. I took a deep breath, returning my voice to its usual tone.

“You’re right. My voice was scary. I’m sorry my voice got scary. I’m going to take some deep breaths to calm down. You can breathe with me if you want to,” I replied.

After a minute or so of breathing together and co-regulating, she recited another gestalt.

“And they lived happiest ever after.”

This moment has stayed with me because it reminded me that even when we’re trying our very best, we’re still going to mess up sometimes. We’re going to make mistakes or unintentionally scare the people we love.

We’re never going to prevent all dysregulation—in ourselves or in our children. But what we can do is notice when it happens, take accountability, and move toward repair.

Sometimes, when learning about the neuroscience behind human behavior, we mistakenly think that dysregulation is this big bad thing that should always be avoided. We think that the only way to keep ourselves and our children feeling safe is to become experts at only experiencing regulation. We think that regulation means being calm or happy. 

But perfection and avoiding dysregulation aren’t the point. Having awareness is. 

Awareness is what helps us recognize what’s happening in the moment, and it’s what gives us a way back to connection. It’s not about never losing our cool. It’s not about pretending we’re okay when we’re not. It’s about pausing and tuning into the sensations, feelings, and thoughts we’re having. It’s about noticing what state our nervous system is in and how that impacts the way we are showing up in our interactions with others. It’s about finding tools that help us recenter. It’s about tapping into our willingness to show up differently, our willingness to repair.

Repair isn’t pretending nothing happened or trying to fix feelings. Repair means being vulnerable and taking accountability for the impact we’ve had. Repair can look different from person to person or from situation to situation. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Repair can be as simple as apologizing and offering a few moments of co-regulation. 

Relational safety isn’t built by never experiencing dysregulation. It’s built by returning to connection when it happens. 

And sometimes, it’s our children who show us the way back.