I have dedicated my life to understanding what motivates people. Why do we behave the way we do, and how can we improve when life, families, groups, and others’ actions negatively impact us? I believe this desire to understand and help others led me to become a pastor. After 20 years in ministry, I started to realize how serious some of our struggles are. I also recognized that I had very little knowledge of trauma and effective ways to heal during my first 50 years.

For several years now, my wife Laura and I have been volunteering with groups like the Attachment and Trauma Network, the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint, and a group in Kansas known as ESSDACK. We learned about trauma and trauma-informed classrooms, resilience, and ways to heal and improve our lives. For nearly ten years, I have undergone professional counseling and somatic therapies that have gradually helped me heal and process past experiences and trauma.

Recently, I took a class with ESSDACK called Peaceful Schools and Families. It promised “tools to support young people in safe and healthy ways as they navigate tough times.” I wasn’t sure what to expect at first, but I quickly realized it would be challenging! Luckily, I have done similar work over the past few years, and I understand that it’s nearly impossible to help others without first addressing our own trauma and managing it properly.

We can’t regulate someone if we are not regulated, and we can’t effectively give away anything we haven’t yet practiced or experienced the benefits of.

Long story short, it was very effective! When I asked to know more, Rebecca Lewis-Pankratz pointed me to the Family Peace Initiative, the originator of this approach to trauma.

The Family Peace Initiative (FPI) is a certified battering intervention program operated by Halley Counseling Services, P.A. Currently, FPI facilitates more than 25 groups in communities throughout Kansas. In addition to providing direct services, FPI staff offer training through workshops and conferences that focus on battering intervention facilitation motivation.

Dorthy Stucky Halley, LMSW, and Steve Halley, LSCSW, founded FPI in the 1990s. Today, FPI oversees more than 25 groups across different communities in Kansas and also works with justice-involved youth. Additionally, FPI consults with the Department of Corrections in several states, helping develop battering intervention programs in prisons and parole offices. Beyond direct services, FPI staff lead training through workshops and conferences worldwide, focusing on battering intervention facilitation and motivation. The Family Peace Initiative Training Series was created to enhance the skills of those who run battering intervention programs.

I have completed the first two levels of their facilitator training, and I was impressed by the simplicity of the approach and how effective it was for me.

The strength of this program comes from a model called The River of Cruelty, a trauma-informed framework that shows how cruelty is passed down through generations. It uses a river analogy to illustrate how people experience and pass on cruelty, often due to unresolved trauma from their past. The model emphasizes the importance of individuals taking responsibility, both for the cruelty they’ve suffered and the cruelty they’ve inflicted on others, and breaking the cycle. 

The River of Cruelty Model

The steps in the River of Cruelty model show how cruelty is transmitted from one person to another.

1. Cruelty Experiences: Individuals experience cruelty, which can take many forms, such as physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. FPI’s basic definition of cruelty is “The intentional infliction of pain and suffering and/or the blatant disregard for another.” These experiences often originate from childhood trauma and may be accompanied by implicit, unconscious beliefs and emotions called shadow messages, like “I am not enough,” or “I am not significant.”

2. Adverse Feelings:These harsh experiences cause negative feelings like worthlessness, fear, and helplessness.

3. Defense Systems: To deal with these painful emotions, individuals develop defense mechanisms that can cause problems over time. These might include behaviors like aggression, repression of feelings, or self-centeredness.

4. Unintended Consequences: While defense systems might offer temporary relief from negative feelings, they can cause unintended adverse effects that impact a person’s relationships and well-being. This may include cruelty to others.

5. Beliefs and Attitudes: Underlying these defense systems are beliefs and attitudes that sustain the cycle of cruelty, such as a desire for control or the belief that showing vulnerability is a weakness.

Breaking the cycle

The River of Cruelty model highlights that ending this cycle depends on individuals to:

• Acknowledge and take responsibility for the harm they have caused to others.
• Become responsible for healing the cruelty that happened to them. 

Trauma-informed programs can support this healing process by providing a safe space to explore past experiences and promote accountability for the effects of abusive behaviors. 

Method

The program begins by helping participants recognize the cruelty they have experienced and inflicted on others. They are encouraged to acknowledge moments when they have encountered cruelty, often from childhood experiences. Identifying specific abusive behaviors and their effects on themselves and others is crucial, as is understanding their root causes. Recognizing the trauma and negative feelings that drive these actions is essential for breaking the cycle, according to the Family Peace Initiative. 

Next, participants begin addressing the “River of Cruelty” by first confronting shadow messages, challenging the negative, often unconscious messages received during childhood that contribute to harmful behaviors. Then, they are invited to accept responsibility for healing both the trauma experienced and the trauma inflicted on others. Afterward, they can develop healthy coping mechanisms and learn new ways to manage emotions and respond to challenging situations without resorting to cruelty.

The next stage of the process breaks the cycle through accountability without shame. Holding individuals accountable for their actions without resorting to shame or humiliation helps them work through pain and trauma to promote personal growth and healthy relationships. An interesting part of this process is becoming an “Enlightened Witness,” which means developing the ability to understand and respond to both our own emotions and the emotions of others in a healthy way. 

The final step in the process is cultivating a culture of safety and respect by practicing personal responsibility. This involves reducing blame, denial, and defense mechanisms while emphasizing honesty and accountability. The process also promotes emotional awareness, such as developing emotional intelligence and the ability to manage difficult emotions without causing harm. 

Building relationships and communities based on respect, trust, and mutual understanding helps individuals break free from the “River of Cruelty” and creates a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

My journey isn’t over, but this process has given me a valuable tool. The facilitation and funneling methods help me support others and understand the trauma I still need to work through. I can be an enlightened witness to both others and myself as we gradually stop this river of cruelty and transform it into something better.

Be where you are, Be who you are, Be at peace!